We are held hostage by the chemical imbalance in her brain. The one that doesn’t let her think logically, the one that drowns her every day.
I wish I could say it is just the depression that makes her act this way, but I know it is not. She wants us to listen, not judge, give sympathy. We have to be the sponge to her negative emotions. No money, no job, crap relationship but refuses to take a step to fix any of these problems. If we were in any such similar position she would be disgusted at our weakness and lack of self respect.
Somehow through the poison, the idea that men are after only one thing, we have found loving husbands. We do have our hang-ups but we function. She leaves a man who loved her through the neglect, jealousy and depression (though I don’t claim he is blameless) and moves onto someone who doesn’t even like her.
She has no job. I offer one at my place of employment. Everyone loves her, thinks she is wonderful – and she is. She still rides the roller-coaster. Doesn’t turn up to work, doesn’t tell anyone and they ask me. I am embarrassed. She tells people of her darkness, of her attempts. They run to tell me, to save her. They are shocked at my indifference. My ‘Not again?’ When the job contract comes up for renewal, she doesn’t get it. She is devastated. I am angry and lioness like in my indignation for her. But secretly and ashamedly I understand why.
She is lonely. I invite her over. She cancels.
She has no money. We give her tickets to shows, to see something nice. She spends $400 on merchandise.
Two days before Christmas she is lonely. She is in danger and I go to her. She has already called somebody else over for help. I am angry. There are different ways to get attention.
She can’t live like this anymore. It is not a life. I can’t live like this anymore. But she gave me life.
I am held hostage only because I don’t walk away.
ARAFEMI http://www.arafemi.org.au/
I’ve been on the other side and my heart goes out to you , call me if you need an ear to listen. Christmas is the hardest time of year to be going through this ((hugs))<3 <3 <3
Thanks K, much appreciated. Grumpy.
Oh luv… What a hard thing you are going through. I think we have all been touched by such a thing, either a friend, family or self. It’s a pity that such a well written blog is actually a heart break for you. Lots of Christmas love to you xxx
I dunno….sounds weird but it isn’t that hard anymore, when it is just a fact of life. Been going on for 20 years now. You just deal with it. And sometimes I just wanna have a whinge
Christmas love back atchya xo. Grumpy
Having always existed on the other side of this equation (i.e. I’m the one putting people through hell) this was hard to read. I’d like to say that I haven’t put people through quite as bad, but maybe I’ve just put them through different hells, some worse, some not as bad.
Regardless of my own experience, this was so beautifully written, probably the best thing I’ve ever read of yours. Really, really good.
Aw, thanks Ginny – I appreciate you saying that. I think that the thing with this person is that it is their personality/mindset/upbringing together with the depression that is the difficult thing to deal with. The depression by itself wouldn’t be so ‘bad’. I dunno – I feel I tread a very fine line, never having suffered it myself. Grumpy
I think that this is one of the worst things about the holidays. It’s a “psychiatric stress test”. It’s very important to take care of your emotional well-being too. I don’t know you but I would caution you to be careful as there is a real danger that her emotions and actions impinge and stress your person.
This is beautifully written and tear-provoking. I would tell you to do your best. That’s all you can do.
Fortunately (though it seems heartless) there is no real danger of any impingement. I feel a bit sad, annoyed, disappointed and frustrated but nothing that I can’t deal with easily. Grumpy
Wow, what a tough thing to deal with. I’m sorry it’s like that. Beautifully written post, painfully honest too. Christmas does bring out extra emotions for all of us, although this is obviously more than just seasonal for her.
Thanks, BP. Grumpy
I so understand this from both sides (now). I have the mother who is bi-polar and passed on her lovely craziness to me but the father who was an alcoholic. So I try not to drink and hopefully remember my pills and thank God daily for my friends and Effexor. I have never read a better description of what it’s like to be on the receiving end of the craziness.
Lol – I was telling a friend that it is kinda sad that I have to write about something so bad for my best writing to come out. I gotta practise my skills
I am glad that you seem to be doing so well and have everything in hand. Grumpy
Bee, I read this post at almost 3am local time with no energy left in my body but somehow, given my exhausted state of mind, this was a totally electrifying & captivating read. You are at your (writing) best here. This was something I could relate to as I was the hostage with my ex-fiancé who possessed similar traits, putting me through 4 years of torture with her. It’s mind-boggling feeling like the victim when you know the real victim is the one on the other side.
Mr H
You said it EXACTLY Mr H…..you aren’t the one with the illness yet the stuff they can put you through is pretty tough. Grumpy
There are so many reasons not to turn up: you feel a burden; you feel that they only asked because they felt a duty, that they don’t really want you there; you feel they won’t even notice if you’re not. Spending money is a release, a short-term one, but for a few minutes, even a few seconds a relief; then comes the emptiness and the guilt in large overwhelming doses and the despair hits you again, your uselessness, your worthlessness. You want to “fix problems”, but ultimately what’s the point, they’ll only be replaced with others, and honestly you just don’t know how, because you can’t see how you got there in the first place. Attention is needed, if that attention can’t be got immediately you might lose control and let go of everything…
Of course it’s hard to be the ones living with someone with depression and mental illness, but no-one would ever believe that living with cancer could be worse for the people around them than the person with the disease. And depression kills, just like cancer. The person with depression may seem thoughtless, helpless and selfish, but they appreciate what you’re going through and I’m sure appreciate you being there, even though it may not feel like. Thank you for being there; I know how much I appreciate my friends when I’m feeling suicidal, even if I’m too ill to articulate it.
Wow Stephie….if I didn’t know any better I would think that my mum finally got on to the intermanet
You are so spot on with everything you have said, and it makes me feel rather guilty – cos I do understand what she is going through – to a small degree, in a way a person who has never had clinical depression can understand. But after 20 years and not getting the help she really needs – it is very frustrating. 
Grumpy
I understand this situation all too well. It was pretty close to my mother for several years after my parents’ divorce. I don’t like the holidays anymore. You’re doing the best you can and sometimes the best you can do is just making it to the next day. You are strong.
Thanks Pammy
Grumpy