Monthly Archive for January, 2009

No More Boring Whinges About Time-Tables After This One. Hopefully.

Published on January 29, 2009 in Cranky/Dopey Bitch, Lazy Bitch, Queen Me and Teaching. 0 Comments

Today was an ‘argh!’ day.  I planned for my ‘new’ timetable – which I noted was printed the day after we broke up for the holidays. So all that time it was sitting in a pile going ‘Tee hee, sucked in you anal retentive so and so. You spent weeks procrastinating on your planning and you don’t even know you are planning for the wrong class!’

Yesterday I did a quick one week plan for the ‘new’ timetable I got from my mum. Only to get ANOTHER one today. With two extra classes added. However it is some comfort that the two new classes are for the year group I originally had planned for and then had to scrap.

But there was some confusion as to whether this timetable was final. And then I found out that the Windows Vista on mylap-top is not compatible with the school network so I couldn’t do anything at work today besides chase people to figure our my time-table and piss-fart around until I could go home, have a head-clearing nap and get my shit sorted. Once I am in an ‘argh!’ head-space it can be very hard to reclaim normality unless I have some sort of buffer. Hence the nap.

I am just hoping that this can be sorted out for Monday – for my sake and the students. I want a pleasant weekend before the insanity starts. Although planning classes while drinking champagne can be amusing. If I could teach after champagne – now that would be even funnier!

 

Being Anal-Retentive in a Screwed Up System Can be Very Painful

Published on January 25, 2009 in Cranky/Dopey Bitch, Lazy Bitch, Queen Me and Teaching. 4 Comments

My anal-retentive nature generally serves me well. I am always organised and on time. If I did not over plan things I know I would come across as overly-anxious.  I would far prefer anal-retentive.

In preparation for the school year I had to mentally coerce myself in planning the first two weeks of my classes.  Which I did, without using chocolate or alcohol.  I was all ‘Yay! I can relax now and in that first week of school, instead of using my literacy specialist appointed time to plan my classes, I can actually do literacy stuff, like the model employee that I am.’ Cue action of me using breath to mist imaginary rings and rubbing my knuckles on my shirt with a self-satisfied smirk.

Now, my mother is going to be working at my school for 6 weeks in reception. In one way I am very happy for her – she really needs this. In another way it is SO many nightmares rolled into one.  She had a little trial day the other day and she came over  to my place and gave me a timetable. One that is different to the one I received at the end of last year. 

Out goes the year 10 class I had planned for and in comes the year 9 class that I don’t have a roll for or list of set tasks. I can’t really get those till us teachers go back on Thursday and the students are back on Monday.   

So bugger it.

The kids will do a week of touchy-feely-let’s-foster-a-safe-and-friendly-class-environment bull as I had already planned for the year 10s, and I will be doing the rest of my planning at school. My anal retentive nature is not very forgiving.  I was a good lil teacher doing the right thing, being all efficient and then one spanner in the works and I chuck an unyielding hissy fit. I could try and get in contact with my Head of Learning Area so I could get my task list…but nah. I am gonna enjoy my last 3 days of freedom, like I would be if my well-laid plans hadn’t been screwed with.

Just in case you were curious, it is very tiring being me.

Fame Whore

Published on January 24, 2009 in Beloved, Books n Stuff, Married Life, Pop Culture and Queen Me. 3 Comments

Okay, I am doing this one again cos it’s fun. If you wanna play, go look at the bottom of here for the rules  These insightful questions which tried to trick me into thinking were from Josh.

1. Where did you meet your husband? And what was your first thought of him?

I met him when a friend of mine was dating a guy who was friends with Beloved. So they all came over to my house to hang. This was when I was about 19. I had a boyfriend at the time so I wasn’t thinking about him too much but I remember he had a cheeky, somewhat secretive grin and he seemed shy. I know now that is always how he seems when he first meets people. Over the next two and half years until we started dating I learned that he was driven, motivated, hard-working, generous and had a hidden goofy side. (Ooh – and pretty eyes)

2. As an Australian, What is your perception on America? To further discuss this point, what is your view on our foreign policy (Iraq War, Afghanistan Invasion, Conflict with Iran, Relations with Israel)

Um…..geez. My general thoughts on America? I suppose in some weird ways I have grown up in a generation that sees America as the ‘mother country’ rather than England in terms of culture. The Americans I know are all pretty cool – polite, easy-going, very funny, although one of em, who has gone back home could be embarrassingly loud and out-spoken. It was a novelty though! I just DO NOT get the George W thing. Once is a mistake. Twice is just….I have no words for it! I think that America can come across as a little ‘interfering’.

3. If you were given an all expense paid trip to America, what would be the first place to visit?

Ooh. Well I will have to say West Virginia now hey? ;) I have heard it has some of the best country-side to be seen! But seriously I would go EVERYWHERE and anywhere just to see what there is to see. I am nosy like that!

4. What makes you most proud of your country?

I think most Australians are polite, hard-working, loyal and decent, with a good sense of humour about themselves. But then again, I could say most countries could claim the same of their most upstanding citizens. We all have our dickheads though. I am pretty proud though that for a small country, population wise we do okay in the sporting arena. However I could be called un-Australian in my ‘meh’ness for anything sport.

5. What habit of your husband’s do you find most annoying?

Grrr. My blood pressure is up already just thinking about it. But I won’t mention it cos he has told me not to. Sigh. It is nothing gross. Just ANNOYING. Second most annoying thing. He might say: ‘I spoke to Bob today.’ And then stops. And I am expected to say ‘Oh yes, and what did Bob say?’….instead of him bloody just coming out with it. It is called efficiency people!

6. What are your goals/dreams? (Long Term AND Short Term)

Short term? Pay of my car and all credit card debts. Long term? To finish my novel.

7. What Animal that is indigenous to America would you most like to see in person? In the wild?

Um, I would like to see a bear. But not in the wild. Nuh-uh, no thanks! How about a porcupine? A baby one. Do you have any of those handy? Are they cute? Or perhaps a hedgehog – what about one of them?

8. What is your most frustrating habit and/or one that your husband finds most annoying?

Let me go ask……..he said ‘interrupting me while I am trying to work.’ Hmph. Smart-arse. I think my lack of money skills gives him the shits the most.

9. If you were in a party of people, stranded on an island, with no current sustenance, would you eat another human being?

It depends if they died first. (Mmm, tastes like chicken)  If they had already died then I may consider it. But I don’t think I would murder someone. But then again during PMS week it has been a close thing when Beloved has got between me and the ice-cream.

10. What is your favorite (sic) piece of literature, and what is your favorite (sic) film work?

Gosh, I don’t think I have time – too many! Have a look here for my fave books. Although that list is by no means exhaustive. Films? Fight Club, V for Vendetta, Little Miss Sunshine, Forest Gump, The Shawshank Redemption, Iron Man. I am not a huge movie buff and my favourites vary.

 

 

 

Burpy Bee’s Finishing School

Published on January 23, 2009 in Beloved, Can't be bothered categorising, Cranky/Dopey Bitch and Queen Me. 4 Comments

I think I should start a school of manners. Okay. I can wait patiently while you all pick yourselves up of the floor. It is not that funny. Well, maybe a little bit. While it is true I won a burping competition as a teacher against year 12 boys at the country school I worked at and that my dad says if you see prostitutes and dock workers blushing then I am around, I still do have a good sense of general manners. I think the key (or problem) is that these manners are more for the benefit of strangers and acquaintances rather then close family and friends. (That is a whole other post.)

For example I always say good morning/how are you/have a nice day to the Coles check-out chicks, (Can’t say I do the same for Beloved before 9am) I am mortified if I feel I have unwittingly pushed in front of someone in a queue, I always say please and thank-you and never stand too close to people in an ATM line. (Although as an aside I do the same thing in most lines. I was at an airport parking ticket queue and the people behind me took my distance as a cue to push in. It happened to be the mother and step-father of a boyfriend of a friend I was seeing off. When I told the friend she said when she asked them about it they said ‘Well, it’s not an ATM line’. Sigh)

 I am frequently astounded by the check-out chicks who blatantly ignore me while scanning my groceries, the people who unabashedly push in lines – especially ones who are old or have babies and think it is their god-given right. One day when I was filling my cup at HJs and was trying to put the lid on and this lady just reached right across me to grab a handful of napkins, while I glared at the back of her head thinking very loudly: ‘An “excuse me” would suffice’.

Another couple of things I add to my list of non-manners would be when you let someone in front of you in traffic (usually after you have had to slam on the brakes because they have done something insufferably stupid) and they can’t even give a thank-you wave. I also don’t get changing rooms. You know when sometimes you’ll be in a clothes store and a dress will randomly fall off a hanger as you pass it? I always hang it back up. I can’t help it. Yet there are people who go into change-rooms and leave a heap of clothes strewn on the floor. As you can guess I am the type of person who will hang all my clothes back up and then offer to put them back out on the rack for the assistant.

We don’t all have to go out and hug whales to make this world a better place to live, but you get out of this world what you put in. I think common courtesy is a good start. For those who know anyone interested in Burpy Bee’s Finishing School, classes start next Tuesday. We will begin with ‘Spatial Dynamics: Personal Space in Check-out Queues’ and ‘Your Arms are Not Accessories: The Art of the Friendly Wave in Merging Traffic’.

 

Sushi Flu

Published on January 21, 2009 in Beloved, Can't be bothered categorising, Lazy Bitch, Married Life and Queen Me. 2 Comments

I think I should clarify something. I used to write ‘blog posts’ for my friends when I was too wussy to get my own blog. I would write and then email it to them. I have to say, my sister prefers the old method. The post below was written quite a while ago, when I really didn’t like my job at the time. I was inspired to post it properly after reading this.

It’s a sad state of affairs when driving to work you think: ‘Maybe just a little car accident wouldn’t be so bad – just a broken leg or something. Nothing too drastic, you understand, just enough so I don’t have to go to work for a while…..and no-one else would get hurt and there wouldn’t be too much damage. And if I can keep my no claim bonus that’d be great too.’

Not too much to ask is it?

When Beloved called me on Friday claiming he was sick as a dog I thought ‘Bingo!’ We’d shared enough germs in the last couple of days – not enough to kill me – but still a couple of drops in the vial a la Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet to help me along. I was quite prepared to spend a couple of days in bed whiny and snotty – I would sacrifice my health to avoid work.

So my Beloved has the flu. But this is no ordinary flu. It is a Japanese strain. (Under the microscope you can see the little kimonos) His desk-next-door neighbour brought it back after a skiing trip in Japan. I would have thought a snow-globe would have been sufficient.  Beloved has been telling everyone he has the ‘Sushi Flu’.

For three days he has been mucous filled and house-ridden. If he doesn’t stop coughing soon I swear to god I am going to smother him with a pillow. He tells me I can sleep in the spare room. When I am sick I can also sleep in the spare room. Thanks.

He has the ‘puffer-fish’ version of the Sushi Flu. Me? Mildy sore throat, slightly blocked nose. The California Roll version of the Sushi Flu. God – it’s probably just hay-fever.

So here I am at work.

Sigh.

I Feel Famous

Published on January 18, 2009 in Can't be bothered categorising, Queen Me and Teaching. 5 Comments

For a bit of fun, I have been interviewed by The Vinyl Villager. Keep reading for his hard-hitting questions and my outstandingly witty and intelligent responses.  (Right about now you all really know how this is gonna go!)

1. Tell us all about your first time.

Um, ahem. Well. I may or may not be blushing right now. Do you want a ‘Mills and Boon’ description or just the bare necessities? I was 17, it was after my Aunt’s 40th birthday party with my first love. We had been together for just over a year. It was in my bunk bed – bottom bunk. Don’t worry, there was no-one on the top. It was as ‘good’ as could be expected – I have heard of worse. I was shaking for a while after.  I was his first too. (At parties, when people ask how we know each other, he likes to tell them I have his virginity. Classy) Ultimately I think it is kinda nice we are still friends.

That was surprisingly difficult. If someone asked me that in person, it wouldn’t bother me to tell them. I am not shy like that. But yeah. Geez. I wonder if my Aunt (and cousins) now know how momentous her 40th was for all of us ;)

2. Assuming those pills and potions in every man’s junk email box worked, would you advise a man to spend his cash on the ones that make him “bigger” or the ones that make it “last longer”?

Well, how about we give both a go, and then decide? That is really a tough question, because there are so many arguments for both. If I REALLY had to choose, I would say ‘last longer.’ (I need more parameters here people!) Like if he needs to ‘last longer’ how deficient are we talking in the first place….same with the size. If he is ‘average’ size and lasts and ‘average’ amount of time then I stand by my original claim.

3. You’re in line at the store, and the customer ahead of you is being unreasonably rude to the sale clerk. Do you bite your tongue or interject on the clerk’s behalf?

Argh. You really know how to ask the hard ones! In my head I am such a hard-arse but in real life I am a mumbling, blushing wreck. I have NEVER pulled anyone up on being rude to me or anyone else. However, the longer I teach, the less I tolerate rudeness in people other than my students. If I don’t let them get away with it, why should anyone else? (It is so hard not to tell misbehaving teens off in the supermarket, on the train etc)

I think I would have to assess the risk of being biffed with a frozen chicken. If the person had a bit of a crazy look about em I would probably leave well enough alone. If they were just dumb and rude I might give it a go. In all likelihood I would probably just sympathise with the clerk after the idiot has left and tell them how well they handled that f*ck-wit.

4. A good friend seems to be getting serious with a man who is the most loathsome sort of jerk. Do you offer your opinion?

You would find me hard-pressed to shut-up. My old deputy principal used to say ‘Don’t believe that “I am happy if they are happy crap.” It is BULL SHIT. If you are a real friend you would tell them what you think.’

 I am guessing he means you would tell them in the nicest, most diplomatic way. I dunno – is ‘wanker’ neutral type language? Luckily for me and my friends, no-one has dated anyone truly terrible. Most of my friends were mostly nice when Beloved and I were on/off for a while there. Actually. Come to think of it, I am not friends with ANY of the people who said anything negative anymore. Not because of that just because it turned out that way. A sign perhaps?

5. You win the lottery. After paying off your bills and setting aside savings, what is the first thing you splurge on?

Oh man! This is what I always dream about. I would take me and about half a dozen of my besties on the girl’s week of a LIFE-TIME! Somewhere tropical, with drinks with little umbrella’s and cabana boys. And massages. And a Gucci store. Bring it!

Would YOU like to feel famous for 5 questions? If you would like me, GYL, to interview you, you just need to follow these rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Sounds easy? Well, come on – I am waiting! :)

 

Perth and 3 Degrees of Separation

Published on January 15, 2009 in Can't be bothered categorising. 2 Comments

There is one freaky coincidence that happened to a couple of friends of mine and it still amuses me.

I had 3 friends, let us call them X, Y and Z. With a few others X, Y and Z all went out on the town. When I got up in the morning, I noticed that only X was home.  Y and Z were not. This rather perturbed me, as I am a firm believer in if you are a girl and you are going to go home with anyone,  you should bring the guy back to your place. I feel that is safer. Since Y was a boy, it was okay for him to be gadding about. Z shoulda been tucked up in her own lil bed, with or without a strange boy in it.

Around 10, X got a call from Z, asking X her to come and pick her up, so off X toddled. On their way home, X must have told Z how worried I was, because she called me.

                ‘Don’t worry – you don’t have to tell me off, Y already has’ and I hear X and Y talking and laughing in the background.

Huh?

Turns out that Y and Z went to totally different clubs, however they both happened to pick up a set of housemates, so unbeknownst to each other, they spent the night under the same roof. Y claimed that he had heard Z’s trademark giggle in the middle of the night but thought nothing of it. (And as seedy as it all sounds, both Y and Z had a more innocent night’s entertainment than would suggest)

I would have loved to have seen Y and Z’s faces when they emerged from their little love nests to discover their own housemate, bleary eyed and making ridiculous small talk, at the kitchen table.

Just in case you didn’t already know, Perth really is the smallest place on earth.

One More Time and POW! Straight in the Kisser

Published on January 14, 2009 in Beloved, Cranky/Dopey Bitch, Fighting the Fat, Married Life and Queen Me. 2 Comments

I wrote this in the week leading up to my wedding, last year:

I have been fairly proud of myself in the lead up to the wedding – no mega bridezilla moments. That could be, however, due to the fact that Beloved has being doing the bulk of the wedding organisation. But I don’t think he has had any bridezilla (or is it groomzilla?) moments. Does a near nervous breakdown count?

I have been on high alert the past couple of days – I woke up on Monday morning and went ‘Holy crap – I am getting married next week!’ Beloved and I have been engaged for two years which has simultaneously dragged but somehow also crept up on us, done a silent fart and slunk away.

Everyone at work cannot not see me without saying ‘not long now!’, ‘are you nervous?’, ‘how many sleeps?’, and ‘it is not too late to back out you know!’ I don’t mind cos I would be saying exactly the same things.

However we have one lady at work, that if she says a particular phrase me again, I am going to reach across the desk and garrote her with her lap-top case shoulder strap. Sure it’d be awkward to do but it is the only thing to hand and it should do the job. Since July last year, every time I eat something non fruit or vegetable, she will say in a sing-song voice: ‘You won’t fit into your wedding dress!’ First couple of times it was mildly amusing. After that it was teeth-grindingly annoying.

(As a side note – no wonder impressionable girls turn anorexic. One of Beloved’s groomsmen will hum the wedding march as I order an iced chocolate after lunch. Good thing I am made of sterner, greedier stuff!)

This lady is lovely and her heart is in the right place. However for one, she narrates her life. She cannot be quiet for more than five seconds. And you don’t know whether she is talking to you or just narrating. It took me about six months to realise that I wasn’t required to actively listen, just nod, smile and throw in a  ‘well I never!’ every so often. There is a double standard present though. If you feel like a spot of verbal diarrhoea yourself and she is busy, it is mega shutdown – not even a nod, smile and a ‘mmhmm, really?’

Secondly said lady has lost quite a lot of weight recently. She was never fat, or even cuddly but she now weighs less than me and I feel she is immensely proud of this fact. Geez – if I had the will power not to eat and broke up with my long-term partner I am sure I could look slightly emaciated too.  It has happened in the past but unlikely ever to happen again. (I can’t not eat, and I am hoping this marriage bizzo is a lifetime thing) She looks pretty good and has a large new wardrobe of funky and mostly age appropriate clothes but I am of the belief that ladies of a certain age need a bit of padding or else they look gaunt in the face. So with her ‘miraculous and life-changing’ weight loss, every time she mentions me and eating I feel like she is saying ‘Look at me, twice your age and 5 kilograms lighter and you are getting married looking like that?’ Of course that is just paranoid Bee’s guilty conscience using a silly, high-pitched voice, pretending to be said lady, because Bee was really sorta hoping to lose a kilo or two for the wedding, which she hasn’t.

On Monday, with the waking up and the ‘holy crap’ I was feeling a bit over-wrought. I had done my booty camp that morning and once at I school toddled off to get some toast from the canteen. I walked into the office and:

      ‘Did you miss your breakfast? Running late?’ says she

      ‘No – this is my second breakfast’ I reply

      ‘Ooh, Bee is having two breakfasts – she must be pregnant or nervous!’ 

      ‘Noooo, I ran around like a pork chop for an hour this morning and I am hungry again.’

       ‘You’ll never fit into your dress if you keep eating!’

       ‘I ate 1 weet-bix at 5am and its 8am and I just nearly threw up from exercising…I think toast is okay’ (Fine, I took dramatic licence here but it is basically what I mumbled through clenched teeth) In my head I also added ‘For Fuck’s sake I exercise at least 6 hours a week, and I am sure if I ate what I should instead of what I wanted I would be mildly buff. However I am reasonably presentable, with better shoulders than I had 6 months ago, so lay off. When you can out boot-camp me with your skinny chicken wing arms, THEN you can pick on my eating habits.’ GAH!

Okay – so I suppose I AM having bridezilla moments – it is just that I am gutless and they are all in my head.

PS: I think karma was paying close attention to all these interactions because this lady’s daughter got married a week after me….and her daughter had to have her dress altered because it was too small. I allowed myself a quick mean-spirited giggle at that one.

 

The Urge

Published on January 12, 2009 in Books n Stuff, Can't be bothered categorising, Lazy Bitch and Queen Me. 8 Comments

Sometimes I get a hair-tearing, skin-busting need to create. This usually occurs after I have read a particularly good book, or have seen a great movie. Last night I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and the urge is upon me.  That was a wonderful movie. It wasn’t perfect – I felt that Brad Pitt’s character was a little too passive, and that the film could have looked at his declining years in a little more detail. But either way it got me all riled up.

The silly thing is, I get caught up in the magic of the finished product. I think, ‘wouldn’t it be fantastic to be involved in something like that?’  But I am guessing that the process isn’t all that nice.  There are producers, studios, budgets, time constraints and artistic differences to contend with. Sure Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett looked hot in the canopy bed scene but how sexy was it really, with 20 other people in the room and someone checking that the pimple on your arse isn’t showing?

As some people know (and true to one stereotype of a blogger)  I am attempting to write a book.  It has always been a goal of mine. I don’t care if it is crap – supposedly your first is supposed to be – I just need to do it. But it is hard. And it is scary. And it is taking me forever. Real life still happens while you are trying to achieve your dreams.  And I die with jealousy when I see people younger than me achieving MY dream. How dare they!

I daydream about how it would feel to finish it, and if it is any good, to have it published….and then I have to go and clean the dog’s pooey bum. 

It took a huge mental effort to start this book, 6 years ago and I am really psyching myself up to get it done. To take a depth breath and plunge in, rather than hover on the edges of this half realised goal. I don’t want to live with any regrets. But if I don’t do this, I certainly will have them.

Hey – Where You At?

Published on January 11, 2009 in Beloved and Can't be bothered categorising. 4 Comments

Does anyone else get a bit like a mum, when their son hasn’t come home at 2am when a favourite blog isn’t  updated in a while? A couple of blogs I read (this one and this one) haven’t posted in a while and I feel….concerned. Are they okay? Are they having an unannounced blogging hiatus? Has their computer cracked the shits? I NEED TO KNOW. Every day I check and still nothing has changed. How is one supposed to sleep at night, huh?

I spose I better give Beloved my password etc so if I ever win the lottery and piss off to Paris for a quick shopping trip, he can let you all know.

PS: New-ish post below. Sorry – I am insulting you guys and being inconsiderate of your very capable scrolling fingers? ;)

PPS: Thank goodness Red is back. I was so disappointed when she went away. Where else would I get the best farting stories? I stopped checking for while and then I saw a comment on Romi’s blog and I am back on the trail. Yay!

PPPS: ‘Bathroom Companions’ has been slightly updated for you book fans out there.